flux and food/fasting

The one thing I can be sure of is that life always changes. It's full of twists and turns that I never seem to anticipate. I work really hard to keep everything status quo, resisting the inevitable. In spite of this, as I travel along, I run into something or something runs into, over, or right through me. Why am I always surprised?

The past week has been trying - it involved an emergency road trip to support a family member going through a particularly devastating time. This is the same family member who was the cause of similar devastation many years ago. Let's just say there's lots of emotional crap stirring inside me.

With every change, I always seem to reach for food to smother out whatever is going on. I wish my initial response to change/adversity was different - like go into automatic fasting mode.

I need some clarity. Maybe a fast is in order, to help me focus and figure out everything I'm feeling. That would probably be wise. But honestly, I'm resisting the urge to chow down on a seriously unhealthy breakfast.

Stocking Up

I sat down at the kitchen table while my husband fiddled on his laptop, and a few of the children were playing Clue. I was armed with a pencil and paper, ready to make a grocery list. I asked everyone what fruits and vegetables they would like to have in the house. My 22 year old, Dan, looked perturbed. He is keenly aware of my raw food affinity, and immediately sensed the demise of his beloved twins, Cheeseball and Crackers. My youngest, Timothy, 9, perked up energetically with his list: bananas, apples, oranges, and grapes. I was glad he quickly chimed in, but knew there would be no vegetables on his list. Joshua, 12, volunteered carrots and lettuce. Jesse, 15, filled in details; green apples, red grapes, and don’t forget pineapple. David, 18, was at work. He would want me to add Fuji apples and ice burg lettuce (I cringe at the lack of nutrients in the latter, but it’s a huge step above Fritos).

While at the store, I decided I would purchase some whole grain snacks (organic corn cakes and brown rice cakes) as they love their chips while watching football. I will make some spicy raw crackers. They love honey-roasted peanuts in a can, so I already have some walnuts (with cinnamon, vanilla, and agave) going in the dehydrator. I’ll start soaking some almonds to make them more snacks later.

I bought organic whole wheat bread. I had been baking half white, half wheat bread, so this is a step up. I also stocked the freezer with various forms of sprouted breads, and purchased some wheat berries to sprout so I can try my hand at a homemade version.

This is definitely more work. And I know from past experience, they are going to give me some trouble. I am a people pleaser and I secretly love it when they eagerly anticipate what we’re having for dinner. My heart sinks a bit when I work hard making a healthy meal and it’s received poorly. Already, they hear the dehydrator humming and their eyes are rolling. But I’m hanging tough. I can take it. In the long run, I know it’s worth it.

They definitey are.

Step One: Diet/Purge Pantry Plan

When coming up with a plan of action, I decided I am not going to plunge the entire family headfirst into a 100% raw diet. This would not be realistic for us. I need to come up with a transitional type of diet - one that will move them into a better level of health, that their systems can adjust to, and then gradually (and continuously) move them forward. I listened to Wendi Dee’s interview on www.rawfu.com yesterday and liked her idea of giving the family a raw dessert as an all-raw meal. Smoothies as a meal should work, too. I’ll incorporate these ideas to get them eating more raw foods.

A long time ago, my husband purchased a series of audio tapes (yes, it’s very old) put out by a nutrition counselor by the name of Dr. Broer. My husband liked the program Dr. Broer prescribed, and better yet, followed it and easily melted off about 40 lbs. As I type, he reminds me that he only had 100 lbs. to loose then, and now he needs to loose 140 lbs. This diet contains healthy fruits and vegetables, high quality, low fat animal products, beans and whole grains. These are primarily the guidelines I’ll follow for the children. This may seem like a sissified version of making a change - but if you knew how badly my family currently eats, you would see what a vast improvement this is. What I have outlined for my husband is a “raw-er” course of action – much less animal protein, some whole grains, mostly fresh fruits and vegetables. We’ve spoken, and right now he is quite open to any help I can give him. I do have to say, we both love the idea of a totally 100% raw diet in theory, while we speak in hushed tones as the sun rises, and we’re about to squeeze into our jeans. But when our day is in full swing and we’re in the kitchen or the car deciding what to eat, it can be a different story (especially if we’ve changed into the elastic band comfort of our sweats). For this reason, I need to be armed and ready with healthy choices available.

I need to address the situation in the pantry. I have some very unhealthy items left over from the restaurant we recently closed; heaps of white bread flour, white pastas, and chocolate chips, to name just a few. These items need to find new homes or make their way to a dumpster. So number one on the “to do” list is The Pantry Purge.

Me and What It's All About

Gabrihoney is the nickname my husband gave me. My name is Gabrielle and for many years I went by Gab. My husband thought Gabrielle was a beautiful name and never wanted to “hack away at it” by calling me Gab. He insisted on calling me by my full name, and wanted others do the same. As our time together grew, I guess he thought I could use an extra syllable. Now he sweetly refers to me as Gabrihoney.

I am going to start this blog with the last entry from my previous blog. I had a reality check during the wee hours this morning and decided to write down my thoughts. I thought a new blog would be a better reflection of how I’m thinking and the changes I am making.

I am the person I do not want to be.

First, I want to say that I am not the "picture of health"; not by any means. I have a good 40 lbs. to loose. I have had high blood pressure issues for the last 15 years and I dislike the thought of exercise (sweaty = gross).

Not long ago, I sat captivated by documentaries of people who are obese and bedridden. I wondered, who is bringing them all that unhealthy food and how can they live knowing they are helping this person do harm to themselves?

I just realized… I AM THAT PERSON!

As I type my thoughts, my husband is sleeping next to me. I should say he is sleeping and breathing on and off. He sleeps, deeply snores, and then stops breathing. I smack at him with a pillow, and he starts breathing again. My husband went to the doctor yesterday. His weight has gone well into the 300 lb. range. Through the night, I wake often as he frequently stops breathing. I know I am weird: the snoring lulls me to sleep, and the lack of it causes me to wake instantly. I shake him hard enough to start him breathing again and sometimes enough to ask him to put on his breathing mask, which he usually will not do. He is becoming dependent on my inability to sleep. He has lost all regard for his health. I will not sit around and do nothing about this anymore.

I do not like to nag him about his increasing weight. I tell myself it is because I don’t want him to think my love is conditional upon his weight. I think it’s an excuse - an easy out so I don’t have to deal with it.

At this point, my husband is still able to walk around, drive a car, and get around by himself, although at times it is very difficult for him. I’m asking myself, how long will this go on before he has a heart attack, is bedridden, or worse?

I have been a weakling.

I feed my children things they should not be eating because I do not want to hear the grief I get when setting healthier food before them. I do not discuss my husband’s current weight with him, as I do not want to stir up conflict. In the meantime, I put on my blinders and feed my family things that are creating addictions and causing potentially serious health issues for the future. Am I waiting for there to be a health crisis with one of my beloved family members?

I have come to the realization that I have a whole lot more control over this than I think I do. I can choose one of two options: grief now, or grief later.

I choose grief now.

I know this won’t be easy, but look where easy got me. I am bracing myself for the winds of change. I am making a plan of action.